So Yes and No to the Patriarchy...?

One of the things us feminists fight against is that pesky old thing called “patriarchy”. In fact, most, if not all, our arguments stem from this fight. You will see us talking about #smashthepatriarchy on our social media feeds or in regular conversations. We will tell you that patriarchy lives in our homes. It is taught in our religious institutions. It dances along with us when we sing both secular and traditional songs. It is so ingrained in our everyday lives that many times it is hard to pinpoint. It camouflages itself so easily into our daily thinking that it looks like the natural way to organise our lives. Yet a 2013 article by Alda Facio, a Puerto Rican feminist, writer, jurist and expert on gender and human rights, shows that it is not.

A (not so) simple (nor exhaustive) way to describe patriarchy is a system of society where the man is deemed to be the head of the family thus the family lineage is passed on through male members. Does not seem so bad yet, right? Well, this system of organising society comes with the positioning of male characteristics as superior, or the norm. And from this positioning, women are often excluded from certain spaces of power because they are deemed less capable to do what men do. This video posted by BBC News Africa, showcases this. It is a video of human fossils who froze in 1947, and finally unfroze, and were asked about women in politics. Okay, no it is not, but it could be. Just listen.

You would think the current male political leaders in Nigeria were all doing a fabulous job... But we move on...

More “feminine” characteristics are viewed as a weakness or inferior to the male “standard”. Just think about it. Despite that a woman’s vagina can push out WHOLE human babies, while so much as a flick inflicts excruciating pain on testicles, we will still tell you to “grow some balls” when we tell you to be strong, and “don’t be a p*ssy” when we think you are being a coward.

I do not know, but vaginas need more respect. There is nothing cowardly about being able to birth a child that could one day become a sassy teen who does not listen to you. I am just saying…

Anyways, (cue my more serious voice) patriarchy organises our societies and what we deem as normal behaviours, desires and capabilities for men and women to have. And when something opposes patriarchy, many times it creates an assault on our senses. It feels like an affront to what we deem as “normal”. Patriarchy will clutch its balls and scream, “how dare that man like wearing dresses!” Calm down, John and Mandisa, men in dresses is not some contagious disease you know *rolls eyes.

But here is the thing, SOME of the ways patriarchy organises society are not bad, in and of themselves. (Please, all the R Kelly’s reading this, I am not talking about you and your habits. You do need to check yourself. Like really, check yourself). We need to appreciate that, even without patriarchy breathing down our necks 24/7, some people would still choose to organise their lives in what could pass off as patriarchal ways. Some men would still want to be providers and protectors because of the love they have for those around them. Some women would still want to be the main cooks in their homes, each meal a show of affection and pleasure. But those choices should not hinge on a person's gender. I grew up in a “patriarchal” home and I saw how patriarchy could work (and where it needed to die). Yes, both my parents had jobs. And yes, my mom was still the main caretaker: cooking and cleaning after work while my father hardly took part in those duties. However, my father also had his own “second shift.” Going from his regular job to the family business, working long hours, weekends included, to ensure his family stayed afloat financially. The roles they played complimented each other.

But here is the other thing: this was my parents’ choice. More importantly, within their respective roles, there was mutual respect. The thing that makes patriarchy an evil is not that women cooking is wrong or that we want men to act more like women (whatever that even means). The evil is when women cooking becomes an expectation more than a choice, and eliminates her ability to choose differently. Or when it prevents her from having the career she wants. Or disrupts her access to education… You get what I mean (I hope)? The thing about patriarchy is that it becomes a dictatorship on how people should live their lives and eliminates choice. It causes us to laugh and ridicule those who oppose societal expectations. The greatest currency patriarchy has is shame. People toe the line and fear stepping outside of society's patriarchal boxes for fear of the real and perceived shame patriarchy inflicts on our conscience. A woman who chooses not to marry, is seen as a failure or lacking something (that everyone else thinks she should want) because how else is she supposed to have a man to submit to if she is not wedded (and other stupid reasons)? A man who cries or is metrosexual can be seen as too feminine to be a “real man” (and here you have to say “real man” with a gruff voice while beating your chest because that is what “real men” do, apparently).

The Great and Mighty Lord Patriarchy loves segregating those who do not step in line. It is a jealous god. “Thou shall not stray from my word”, it says in a high and mighty voice. And its word changes depending on how a particular action fits into what has become its main agenda: elevate men while oppressing women and anyone who does not conform. Patriarchy does not care so much about the parts of our cultures and religions that benefit women. Instead, it will erase those teachings from society’s collective memory. It likes to tell women to endure stupidity because women are supposed to submit, while never mentioning that the bible says husbands are to love their wives as God did the church (and God died for the church). Patriarchy's guardians and minions will happily quote the bible to support their opinions, whether or not they believe in the bible to begin with. Patriarchy will allow you to blame women for a man’s weakness: saying men cannot control their sexual urges, thus justifying rape culture.

The teachings of patriarchy never stand still. It will try its hardest to suppress a woman’s sexual freedom, unless that sexual freedom pleases a man. So a man can both enjoy sleeping with a woman, enjoy that she is sexually adventurous, yet still turn around and insult her for doing the things he loves. He can still openly insult her for not being “pure” even when he was her first sexual encounter, regardless of how many encounters he has had before her.

Like sir, were you not the one who took her “purity?” Explain sir. We want to know: are you (and cis-men in general) the pollutant that takes away her purity? How nasty are you from a genetic standpoint that you sleeping with a woman can make her less pure while you are praised for sleeping around? Sir, do you steal her purity? Is that why you sleep around, to absorb her purity and leave her empty? We need answers!

Sadly, a man can be a "hoe" and shame women for being a "hoe," to justify his own hoery, saying things like, "I only hit that cause she is loose." No, sir, you "hit that" because you are loose. And patriarchy will make the "looseness" of women more evil than the looseness of men as if one's gender should determine if an act is acceptable or not. Should not both genders feel comfortable to make their sexual choices minus the gendered shame?

And many people will find this normal because the hypocrisy will not occur to them unless it is explicitly pointed out (and even then, only sometimes. Patriarchy is slick like that).

Because of the double standards and oppressive expectations that come with patriarchy, I started posting on some of the ways patriarchy manifests itself in our everyday lives on my Instagram, @langas_house, using the hashtag, #The_Patriarchy_Is_Series. Even so, I still think it is important to appreciate that the fight against patriarchy is not to bring about a new dictatorship or new prescribed way of living. I do not expect people to choose to live like me. Heck, some of the things I fight for do not directly benefit me because some of my personal choices are more traditional. However, to me, feminism is about choice. Fighting for people’s right to choose how they organise their lives, outside of harming others. For those who have a choice not to, but still want to participate in the expected gender roles, great. But for those who do not want to: they should have that choice without being shamed. Where there is choice, there is room for people to self-actualise. To manifest their greatness without the prescribed limits attached to their biological gender. Why would we want to suppress that? Look at all the people who achieved such greatness by defying societal expectations. The Martin Luther King Juniors and Winnie Madikizela-Mandelas. People like Cardi B who went from having nothing to being the first solo female artist to win the Best Hip Hop Album award at the Grammys.

As people, we should understand that other people should be allowed to have a choice to live outside societal expectations without being made to feel like they have a tail growing out their butt. The fight against patriarchy should be a fight for choice as much as it is a fight against oppressive expectations and behaviours. And until choice is no longer attached to gender: A Luta Continua!